craziness i tell ya...

9:36am: longest entry ever!
OK well I’m not even sure where I updated last, I would have o look, but really I don’t care that much to look, so I’m sure it was probably sometime this summer….

Ok three topics to post on today are work, house, Erika, buckain and randomness….…

1. work… major changes for me, I made the decision to leave the girl scouts, this is HUGE, I mean HUGE for me, I never thought that I would leave here unless I was leaving Alaska, but alas, I’m leaving, and I’m not leaving Alaska. This summer was stressful, being away from Erika so much, especially with the house, and us being so new, it was just hard, it was manageable don’t get me wrong, and I got used to sleeping alone, but I HATED it, I hated every minute of not being with her… BUT the main reason that I decided to leave was Kelly. She never game me any freedom, I was constantly being “watched” over, nothing I did was good enough, she never supported me when I had problems with her partner, serious conflict of interest, she was way too into me “developing my creativity” or some shit, it was just too much, I couldn’t take it anymore, if I had to do it for another summer I might have gone insane! So I started looking for other jobs, there were 2 I applied for, the first was very similar to what I was doing, but it was for campfire, and well they were SOOOOOO slow in calling me back I thought they didn’t want me…so when they finally did I was already invested in the second one, that I didn’t call them back either! So I applied for a job with Hoefler and Associates, its an environmental consulting firm, so I’ll be doing data analyst work with BP and air quality stuff. My title is associate scientist, it feels so important… but lets be honest, I’m a peon! =) but that’s ok, b/c the data thing is only temp 1-1.5 yrs, then they will reassign me, so its pretty cool, this year is like my long term “interview” I guess for bigger and better jobs, and the pay is nice, and it’s a for profit company, so I can finally expect a raise at some point, and bonuses. Ryan (erika’s friend) worked there doing this same job, and she loved it. Said it was a great company, so I’m really excited, I can’t wait to start! I will be starting next Monday! Eeeep!! I can hardly wait!!! So I hope that its not SOOO super boring… but I’m actually looking forward to a professional job, with normal hours, and the work is predictable. I’m ready for a rest mentally at night… I hope I feel like I can leave work at work… I want to be less stressed out, and less cranky at night! We’ll see I guess…. But if nothing else its an entry into the field, and some experience, and its something new for a while, and new is usually exciting….
2. ok so next is house…. Shesh… well its STILL not done…. God this thing is taking forrrrreeeevvvvverrrrr…. Ugh I’m tired of waiting…mostly b/c of the waiting being done while living with Erika’s family… though overall its getting better for me, I think I’m just starting to feel a little more relaxed there, I don’t feel as much like a “guest”, don’t touch, don’t break, kinda thing…. But the animals are stressing me out… all the damn hair is driving me insane! I mean not just a little hair on my clothes, but like the massive hair ball that will form under the kitchen stool in one night… we’re talking small animal here… TONS of hair, I just hope to god that the majority of the hair is not her cats or our dongs, I hope its leisl’s dogs, or gabby, its just SO much, and in my own home I might go crazy trying to keep it all clean… I’m feeling like such an anal clean freak these days, its weird… I’ve never been excessively clean or anything, but all the hair makes me feel like I just want to clean all the time! So we keep waiting to hear on our house…. A completion date, but nothing yet, Kevin said we would know 30 days out… well that puts us at mid dec. then already… so god I hope we are in my x-mas…. But we now have sheetrock, which is SO exciting…. It feels like they are finally working again, we think this means that all the inspections are done for now until its completed, so that’s really exciting, next will be paint, then our cabinets and lights, and FLOOR! I’m so excited for our floor, I better be excited for wht it cost us, but it think we will be sooo happy with it being laminate, and not carpet…so yeah… I’m still not super thrilled by Julia living there, but I’m getting better about it, I mean at this point we have nothing to do with her, so when we move then, we will still have nothing to do with her, she will just live close. And I will have to see her getting the mail, or walking the dog, ugh, I don’t want to see her, I mean she’s erikas ex, I don’t want to live that close to any of my ex’s or her’s…. she’s just so manipulative… and Erika has really surprised me in her ability to stand up to her, much more that I ever thought she would…I just worry she will weasel her way into my life…. But I don’t have to be nice to her, I don’t like her, I don’t have to be friends with her… so it’s all good, the jealous side of me just is not ready to live that close to a woman that my g/f used to be in love with….
3. which brings me to Erika I guess… I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, she is the greatest. She treats me like no one else ever has, I feel loved, valued, wanted, and I feel the same for her! I think its amazing to still feel like she is my soul mate after 6 months, I know, not that long… but usually the *spark* fades away, esp after living together, but with us I still feel the spark, I still feel amazing when I am with her…today is her birthday, mine is soon, we are both scorpios, maybe that is why we get along so well, we understand each other in a way that most people can’t. I understand her scorpionic trates, and she gets mine….which brings me to my jealousy… its been in check for a while, not doing too bad, which is unusual for me… I’m always jealous, of something or someone! But lately I have been getting twinges of it back… nothing in particular, just an overall general feeling… I think ive been dwelling on her ex’s too much lately, mainly gina… knowing what she meant to her, just bleck… I guess what brought it all on, I never realized until now, was probably when Courtney apologized to me…and I felt better about her and I, and it made me go oh god…what if…what if gina does that, what if she leaves me, what if, what if what if… I mean I KNOW that won’t happen, and I know that we have always said we would talk if we feeling something for someone else, but what if we didn’t talk… I don’t know, iust just made me think about ex’s and the ones in erikas life… I know that Erika is the person I am supposed to be with, I know that… and I am pretty sure she feel the same way… its just something so ingrained in me, to be jealous, and worry… that its hard to get used to the feeling of comfort and stability at times…its good, I’ll be over it in a week when I’m done PMSing! Erikas family is fabulous, they make me feel like I am always welcome, like I am a member of the family, and its so nice to have that, esp with my family so far away. Makes me want a family…
4. bringing us to number 4. I don’t know whats wrong with me, but my baby clock is on high speeed these days. We talk about little buckain and bishbee (our 2 hypothetical children’s names) all the dam time! I’m ready to be a mom, my body is ready I should say, I know that I’m not ready… but oh my goodness, baby’s make me want to cry! Thank god Erika wants kids as much as I do. So we say 30, that’s a good age to have a kid by..,.. well damn that’s only 5 years away! So we better get saving… I really do think I want o start a separate savings account for buckain, I mean its going to be super damn expensive to have a kid…. Especially now with my latest diagnosis at the gyno, so ovarian cysts, not going to make kids happen naturally, no turkey baster, I’m going to have to do invetro if I want to have a baby…. But that’s ok, just means saving money for it and planning a head…we’ve talked about many different scenarios, me carry, her egg, donor, my egg, my carry, my egg her carry, her egg he carry, jesus it makes my head hurt…. I don’t want to be selfish, but I really do want the experience of being able to carry it…and I know she wnts it to look like her, I don’t care, it could be purple and I would never question it… so it seems like her egg my body is the best scenario at this point, esp. since we have to do invetro anyway…..so yeah… I know so far away…but really 5 years isn’t THAT long away!

Ok well this seems to have jumped to a novel…. More later i guess!

11:11pm: camp days
camp days are the longest days ever, one day feels like a year.... its just that i do SO much...its hard to remember what i did at breakfast!

its all going really well, thus far the staff is pretty good, minus the few irritations that i have, but thats just b/c i have this "vision" of what i expect it to look like, and the control freak in me cant stand that its not MY way..... but its all good...

i have a nurse, thank GOD....seriously... Patricia is my new best friend! i'm SOOOOO glad that i have her, thanks to erika!

i miss my girlfriend, tremendously..... i mean.... i really miss her.... its so hard to be apart after only being together for such a short time..... its odd, and i dont like it.... but we will be ok, i am not even worried about it... i know that we will be good :) i love her SOOOO much, i feel like i have finally found someone who i mesh really well with, and connect with on so many different levels, and who really just "gets" me, and even in ways that i dont even understand myself sometimes... i cant wait until we can start our life together.... i am so looking forawrd to living together this fall, whether its in OUR apartment, or OUR house that we buy.... wherever it is, it will be OUR home.... with OUR things... no saying goodbye at ngiht, we will just be....

i miss my life, i know camp is my life in the summer, and i know this, but i miss it right now, more than i ever have before....maybe b/c its so close to me, its only in anchorage, not 5000 miles away, maybe it erika, maybe its just my old age! lol who knows.... i just miss it.....

i miss my family today, i miss my mom, i havent seen her in 6 months, and i miss them.... odd but i do... i am jealous of erika and her family that they are so close, and all live near each other, and see each other and spend time together, i miss my family.... i never thoght i would....but i do i miss mom and i miss brian....

i need a hug today.... i'm feeling so disconnected from my life.... i feel trapped in this little bubble of camp, alone....there isnt anyone here that is my "friend" b/c of this whole stupid director line that there is, and its not my creating....at least i dont think i have, its just b/c i am their boss, and i hate it.... i need a friend.... i am hoping that i can find that in Cea (patricia) but i'm not sure if i will or not this summer, just b/c of the whole job thing, she takes her job so seriously, which is fantastic, but i need a freind.... i have pooh to talk to , but then shes MY boss, so its not like shes my friend either.... i just need someone to talk to..... i tlak to erika, but its not the same. shes not here, she doenst see it, she doesnt fully get the whole picture...its just weird.... i miss boxley.... i need a boxley.... someone to chat birds with..... *Sigh*

ok...sleep time....maybe....we'll see if the dwellers let me!

4:14pm: KY Warming Gel, Whip Cream, and Diet Coke....
Those were the three items in my cart at fred meyers today...i think the clerk liked that....she SO wanted to comment... it was just a humerous moment when i realized what she must be thinking!

Oh my gosh, I am so in love =) eeeeep…. It feels so wonderful…. Lets see this weekend was totally entertaining, not as relaxing as I would have liked it to have been however…
Friday night we went shopping for wedding clothes, of course my luck, Erika walks in and finds something she wants to wear w/in like 10 min. So then we spent the next 2.5 hrs wandering the mall with me in a tizzy, b/c i’m feeling all fat, nothing is fitting right, I found this awesome coat, and the damn sleeves were like 4 inches too short! Grrrr….i hate being tall…. Erika was of not much help shopping….she hates shopping worse than I do….i had to call in brigitte to come rescue me! So she shows up, and like 30 min later we are walking out, me with a new shirt…so crisis solved….normally not a big deal, but the wedding isn’t ppl I know! Its erika’s friends…so I want to look nice….so yeah….we went to dinner at Bombay Delux, ooooooh it was yummy…. Saturday, we meet Julai and Dawn for b-fast.... it was interesting….she wasn’t what I expected….she was very…fake…very yuck in my opinion, I didn’t really like her all that much…but I am biased a bit…she was just kinda bitchy, and seeing how she taked to Erika, and how she treated dawn (her new g/f) it was just not right….it made me feel icky to be around that….but Dawn was awesome, shes so super nice, and she lives in Anch, so I was telling Erika we so need to hang out with her more, she seems like a good person… so yeah….b-fast…came way too early that morning..but that was ok…we got dressed for the wedding, went to her mom’s house so she could get her camera, and shoes, took some pictures, I felt so cheesy…but it was fun, we got a few cute ones… and then off to the military base…it was so cool…I don’t care, ive never been on a military base before….we pulled in and had to go inside to get a pass onto base, and I was like “kiss me, we’re on base” so the whole damn time, I was all abut trying to get it on when we were on the base….lol Erika never took me up on the offer though…too bad…could have been a good story… so yeah, the ceremony was SOOOOO beautiful….i was crying like a little baby, and I don’t even know these people! It was sooo cute…and erikas little speech she did for them was so sweet, it was just really good….after that we SO got lost on the way to the reception (also on base) so here we are 2 queers driving around in my little truck, rainbow sticker, LOST on a freakin military base! It was humorous….so we had to call back to get directions, thankfully someone answered…so yeah…the reception wasn’t as cool, but we sat with her co-workers, and I haven’t laughed so hard in along time! It was fun! I danced with this little girl, she was so cute! I love kids! After that we went back to Gigi and Adam(??) god I’m awful, I soooo forget his name! anyway it will come to me, so we all went to myrnas that night, it was soooo much fun, I haven’t danced so hard in along itme….i think it was partially b/c erika was dancing with me, and she so never dances…so it was cool…. We came home…and well I was a little tipsy…so yeah…that turns into Rachel is aggressive….apparently Erika thinks I need to drink more often…lol…I do not!! But we had a blast….then Sunday we meet up with Veronica, Brig, Dawn, Julia, and like 4 ppl I don’t know for b-fast at Snow City café, it was good, Julia was much better that time to be with, but I didn’t really talk to her, so that’s probably why! Is that awful? Probably, I better start to like her, she is erikas friend after all, and it is nice to be included in that friendship…so yeah.,…I better be careful….
The Eriak went to spend time with her mommy b/c it was mommy’s day…and well I was invited, says im family, but I wasn’t feeling it…so yeah…I went to brig for a while to hang out we chatted, ate some yummy dip, and sammy lou ran all around…came home, some L-word and sleepy sleep….Monday, worked…. Had out at Applebees, and packed up all my shit to go to erikas, we drove out there, and not very long after being home….she got a call from her sisters ex boyfriend, and she was being taken to the hospital, she took a bunch of pills….i guess this isn’t the first time, but it had been a while….so we waited for Gretchen to get to the house, she was driving in from Wasilla, and off we all went to the hospital….she was all mad at her for doing this I guess, they both were, she does it for attention I guess…I felt awful, I didn’t know what to do or what to say….erika said just being there was enough….it was odd…but I was happy that I could be there for her ….i mean if this had happened 2 weeks later, I couldn’t have been there for her…I couldn’t have been b/c of camp….so I was happy I could be…they admitted her to the hospital overnight, and so we went home back to her house, and didn’t get home until well after 2am….after we got home, we just lyed in bed, and I held her while she cried…she finally broke down, and got past her anger at her sister…I felt so awful….but I was so happy I was able to be there for her…..so Tuesday b/c of the emotionally draining day, and the late night, she was exhausted, so she ended up calling into work for ½ the day, so I stayed with her…and we slept more….after we got up, called over to the hospital and Gretchen had said she would be her….so I ended up taking most of the day off, except a few min to check e-mail and do msgs….we went to lunch, slept more…and last night went to the fly by night club….it was hilarious…but I know she was pretty pre-occupied about her sister…her friend stayed with her last night, no clue what will happen tonight, Erika thinks shes going to have her stay out with her if she needs to b/c she cant stay in town with her b/c of her dogs… (coopers too old, he cant travel like that) so yeah we’ll see, I’m supposed to be volunteering at the center tonight, Erika is going to come with me, so I can show her what to so, shes going to take my shift for the summer, so I don’t lose it….I like it, and I don’t want to lose it….so yeah….i’m happy about that….

I’m so freakin nervous now….yesterday afternoon when we were laying on the couch together, it just felt so right, well it always does, but that’s besides the point…or maybe that IS the point I don’t know…we were talking about places to live, b/c I have to move in Sept. and she doesn’t want to live at home anymore if her sister is moving back home (which she is) so she wants to find a place….so I had been thinking it for a while now, just wasn’t so sure I wanted to say it…not sure why I did yesterday but I was like “you should live with me” and then I got that pained, take it back now, reaction feeling, and she got all quiet, and squeezed me tighter, and was like “I would love to” its so weird how right on we are about each other…. I have seriously never felt this strongly about another person, this strong and this positive, maybe that’s a better combination….i really feel like she is “the one” for me. I KNOW too soon….yet again….but I don’t care…it feels SO right….so I’m starting to freak out, b/c it’s a HUGE thing to live with someone again…but I can’t wait to do it with her…. So in September we are going apartment hunting together… :=) eeeeep….i can’t wait, I think it will be great…. I’m just not so sure how I will break this to my mom….or hell…kelly for that matter, I don’t want to feel judged, but I know I will…. She has been under a lot of stress lately, which has made her more of a bitch than I ever pictured kelly able to be….its odd…

So yeah……I’m just SO happy right now….when I am with Erika I feel like, no matter what happens, it will be ok, b/c she will always be there with me… she’s not going anywhere….

I hope that she is in my life for a very long time to come….her and I are so similar on so many levels it is amazing…. *sigh* I’m sooooooooooooo happy :=)

2:02pm: sleeeeeeeeepy
OK, so lets see, its been a long ass week, I’m still feeling quite sleep deprived, but I am SO excited to be sleeping in tomorrow, there is NO WHERE that I have to be until the wedding at like 5ish, we probably have to be there early, but still, it cant be THAT early right? So yeah, Wed I spent the night at erika’s again, and sammy was MUCH better this time, she was able to finally settle down, and relax…. So that was nice, I actually slept! Erika was in a mood that night, I was all sleepy, and I fell asleep during better than chocolate, I couldn’t even keep my eyes open during the really good sex scenes, that is bad! So yeah, then after the movie, she was all about music, and wanting to listen to all diff kinds of music, and getting me to listen to all kinds of new ppl….which normally…fantastic, I’m all about it….but I was soooo freakin tired, I couldn’t keep my eyes open! Lol oh well….shes so sweet, i don’t mind…
Last night I went to Sara’s surprise party that songsay threw for her, iw as surprised how many office people were there…it was cool. We just hung out and had a taco pot luck, which by they way is the best potluck idea I had been at in a while! After I got home after like 9:30 I talked to Erika til about 11, it was odd to not be sleeping with her, I had gotten so used to it….i missed her….but it was ok, during that time brig called twice, and when I checked my messages, she sounded upset, so I called her back, and then I didn’t get off the phone til after 1 am….so again….not much sleep! Ugh…im going to die I think….i might sleep MORE at camp…how ironic! LOL 

Brig was upset kinda last night, I realized that I hadn’t spent much time with her in the past few days/weeks….she was like “don’t be mad at me….but I miss you, you know I’m happy for you, I really am, but I miss you” I felt awful!! I miss her too, but I just kinda get sucked into new ppl easily…she was like, when you were with dee, I still saw you and talked all the time, and yes that’s true, diff being, I wasn’t as into dee as i am in to Erika…so yeah…I invited her shopping with us, and dinner tonight….but I need to make some time to spend with her alone, just Brig and I time…I feel bad, I’m going to camp soon, so I miss her, but I am going to miss Erika too…so yeah, its kinda a weird place to be in …im not sure… we’ll see…

Oooooh Erika wrote me the sweetest testimonial on friendster last night, made me feel all mushy….i have to figure out what I want to write about her, its hard b/c its so personal, yet anyone can see them….plus mine will be above Julias in the list, b/c she did her last one….so I want to make it better than hers…that’s the competitive g/f in me…..always trying to outdo the ex…I know its awful…but ya know, I just want to be the best! Lol god I’m such a freak! Speaking of Julia, I guess shes going to be in town this weekend, so I’m going to meet her, should be interesting, I’m soooo not looking forward to this, but I know that her and Erika are close, so I need to be open minded, and not be the typical jealous type that I am….its just soooo hard for me to see ppl with their ex’s, its an insecurity thing…esp when I know how “great” they were or whatever…so yeah….i’m sure I will be super self conscious…..we’ll see how THAT goes..….

Ugh, work is so frigen crazy today…. I keep getting interrupted….i can’t wait until my office is here permanently, that way all my shit is here, I feel so lost on my “office” days. Its weird….i wonder where they will put me….i hope I can get Sara F’s old office, but I have a feeling I’m going to end up in the closet that Tasha has…I think that Kelly F should be there, shes never in the office, and I should get her office, I love her office….its in a good spot….we’ll see… 

OK…gotta run to the bank, and eat some food before lunch is over! 

10:46am: last night...
so last night erika came by after work for dinner, and when she got there, i was laying down on the couch on top of her, and i totally fell asleep...for over an hour.... it was sooooooooo nice....the nap was perfect, i so needed that! After dinner, we went to her house for the night...hehehe we had a sleepover! lol it was so cool, she showed me all kinds of pictures of her family, herself, her ex's. I guess her ex's just weren't what i was expecting them to be... i'm not exactly sure what i was expecting, i guess i was expecting her to have been with very beautiful, very thin, very feminine women... they were all very pretty, but not in that wow, shes geourgeous kinda way. I dont know... it was cool. Sammy was such a pain in the ass last night at her house, there are 4 cats and 2 dogs there, so she just could not settle down, there was just too much going on for her i think.... i was so irritated with her this morning, i just nated to sleep!! but no, shes all whiney, and being a pain in the ass...but what did i expect shes sammy, thats what she does! Once the novelty of the cats wears off she will be fine, but unless she sees them all the time, thats not going to happen, and well her seeing them all time, isn't going to happen either... so yeah...

seriously i love the time that i get to spend with erika, she is always amazing me...shes so good to me, she treats me so well, always telling me how beautiful i am, being affectionate, talking with me, shes just great... i'm afraid that i'm totally going to get my heart broken... i know she would never do it intentionally, but who does that anyway? so yeah...

i'm so in love... i can't wait to see her again....being apart all summer is going to be tourture...the only good part, for me at least, is that it will go by quickly, just b/c its soooo busy!

So we already have syncronized periods, lol its friggen weird! good, but weird! my body has been way sensitive to other ppl right latley, i did that with dee too... its good... works out well, but for me, the one who never gets a period, its weird... so yeah...

i'm meeting her for lunch today, we are going to try the snowcity cafe and see if we can get in/out w/in an hour... we'll see how that goes.... Tomorrow lunch we are having lunch with summer and tyler...i'm excited... i think tonight is going to be an alone night...i so need sleep, and as much as we say thats what er are going to we just talk, we can't seem to stop! lol last night we were up past 1am tlaking...talking...no sex, taklking! lol its crazy....

ok well, i better go...work, work, work...

*smiles*

12:37pm: Lets see =) where are we now…. The last time I wrote was sat I believe…. Not even sure….

Lets see, this past weekend was quite the weekend…. Friday I was supposed to go have lunch with dee, she thinks we should still be friends, so I was like, ok, that’s fine, we should, your right…so we made plans for fri lunch, well she canceled on me, and at first I was like, ok whatever, but now I think on it, it pisses me off…she didn’t have a good excuse beyond she was sleeping…so fuck it…why bother? Its not any loss to me to not have her friendship, she is a very self destructive person….and I don’t need that…. then fri night was my deciding factor… we went to summer’s work good bye party at La Mex, which was kinda boring, but it was ok, anytime I spend with Erika is great, I don’t care what we are doing…after that we went to the Tribe party, V’s b-day, and that was interesting as well, meet brig and steve there, and we all just hung out basically, I thin kerika was a little bored, not sure… it was so cool to introduce her as my g/f….. I felt like I was showing her of or something stupid like that, I’m just so…happy/proud/whatever to be with her….so yeah, rob/summer/Krista were there…so it was an interesting crowd… rob and summer are great, no issues there…Krista a litltle weird, the whole “we should hang out” “yeah we should” kinda conversation…oh well…I don’t care really…. So yeah, it was pretty boring, so we left there, and the 4 of us decided to go to myrna’s go do some dancing…I was in a dancing mood…. It was fine, we got there, and got drinks, etc. then I saw dee…so we kinda just avoided that sie for a while, but the new DJ who took over dee’s spot sucks…so we had to go back to the other side….so she pretty much ignored me all night, and it was fine, I was just pissed that I kept getting dirty looks… she was there with Samantha…. I wanted to kick that girls ass… lol not for anything in particular, just a general feeling of dislike for her at this time… I mean come on…she did fuck my g/f at the time…in my bed! Oh well…so pretty much after that I was like, you know what, I SO don’t need any of this… I am so happy with Erika, that none of this other bs matters to me… we ended up leaving early, brig was drunk, and didn’t want to fight with Samantha, so we left, it was good…. Its always so much drama there…I’m sick of it, I’m beyond it…. But I love to dance, so that sucks! I think I need to find a new place to go dancing…b/c I enjoy it! I like to do it, it makes me feel good! Oh well…. So yeah, I’m done with dee…that’s the long of it all….

Sat I had to work again in the morning, another damn kids fair thingy…oh well….it SUCKED and I SO could have been sleeping in bed with Erika longer…grr…
So that afternoon I went out to her house and meet her mommy…shes really nice, quiet, but nice…totally looks like a dyke! If I had met her anywhere else and didn’t know she was straight, I would have totally assumed she was gay! Anyway….then Gigi (sp?) came over one of erika’s co-workers/friends, and we drove out to Wasilla, and went to her sister Gretchen’s house for a cook out with a bunch of their HS friends….that was a little overwhelming for me, I’m not a big group kinda person….but they were all really nice, and friendly…and her friend Rachel has a baby, and he was sooo cute… so I played with Hula Baby for most of the night… :=) after everyone left, pretty early, we went to a café place in Wasilla and meet her friend Pat, someone she met in Fbx. Guess they are really close…so that was cool, I liked pat, she was pretty funny, think I need to hang out with her more to really have an opinion....

Sunday I went to boxley and josh’s place, OMG their cabin is so tiny, but its SOO cute!!  if it had indoor plumbing I would SO live there!! It was alright, they are just tiresome to hang out with, ya know…so yeah, L word was great last night….i cant believe there is only 2 more episodes left this season! Ahhh….so sad! Watched it with Erika… its so nice to have her here, and cuddle with her…and just BE with her…

I told her I loved her the other night….she didn’t freak….she returned the feelings….. it was nice…. I feel like its all moving so fast, but at the same time I don’t know how to slow it down, and honestly I’m not sure I would want to even if I could… I learn something new about her all the time, and I love it, I love that discovery process….

*SIGH* I’m just so elated still…the feeling is still there….

Her mom I guess is applying for a few positions outside of the sate with the park service, and if she gets one, she will be moving, and Erika will have to decide if she wants to move with her or not I guess….and the thought of the fact that I have finally found her, and that she might go away is so sad to me!! I don’t want her to go anywhere!!! Guess I might be making the decision too… I want her to be happy and I know career wise, she isn’t happy here, and she would have so many more opportunities elsewhere, so I would never want her to stay here b/c of me…. Ahhhhh,….i should so not worry about this…..but I kinda am, its not a pressing worry, more of a, in the back of my mind worry… ya know….

Ok….enough on Erika…. =)

4:37pm: no words...
I am utterly speachless, there are just not the right words out there to describe erika...

i am so owrried now, that b/c i am so truely happy, something will happen to fuck it all up...

not nessisarily by her, not by me, just in general...its one of those feelings like...maybe this is just
"too good" to be true... does that make sense?

I got to see erika last night, she slept over hehehe :) it was so wonderful to feel her and fall asleep next to her, and wake up next to her this morning... i dont even think we moved all night...

We went to lunch today, rara r, erika, her co-worker summer, and brig. it was fun :)

i am so going to be missing her this summer...this is going to be hard....

with dee it didnt feel hard...but the thought of not seeing erika all summer is awful...i'm going to miss her so much!

:(

oh well... still amonth to figure it out...OMG less than a month! i'm so screwed...i have sooo much to do!! ahhhhh

3:40pm: yup
its ofically...erika is fantastic..i've decided :)

So she came over again last night for the L word, and she brought me flowers and a really sweet card... it was sooo cute... they were tulips, and they are pink :) shes soooo good to me... can i tell you how long its been since anyone bought me flowers!! A LONG ASS TIME...

tonight i have to work with kelly, so i won't get to see erika really, which sucks...i feel bad, she wants to hang out, so shes going to hang around anch til kelly leaves...and kelly can take forever!! oh well her choice, i offered to go out to chugach to see her..but she would rather be here, b/c her mom is home this week...she won't go back up to denali until friday i think it was....

so i'm going to a wedding with her now! lol we are going to summers wedding (the bachelorette party that i crashed on friday) she invited me to be her "guest". I had to tell her today yes or no, b/c its on base so she had to turn my name in for security whatever... she was suposed to go with julia, her ex...so i feel bad that she asked her not to go so that i could go...but julia i guess is ok with it all...she is comming to see her girl friends in town anyway that weekend...i dont know..now i have to figure out what the hell to wear! lol decisions, decisions!

erika is so beautiful, i dont know how it took me this long to find her! damn... i cant belive i move out to camp so soon!! its just not enough time with her!! :( it sucks!! i hope this summer is ok...i always worry dating ppl over the summer.... its so hard to explaine to ppl that you just dont have the time for them without sounding like a bitch! b/c its not that i dont WANT to have the time...i just physically can't!

5:24pm: wow
So its amazing how much can actually change in your life in 5 days... its quite crazy actually...

Erika is amazing, i am so completley and totally enthralled by her... Friday night i meet up with her and like a zillion of her co-workers at the last frontier, it was SO awkward... just lots of crazy ppl i don't know...i'm too shy for that shit! lol but we didnt end up staying long, she wanted to get out of there too, so we drove stacy home (who was our excuse for leaving), and then came back to my place...we watched like a zillion hours of TV or so it seemed, we are both way too shy for our own good...so by 4am...FINALLY there was a kiss :) which turned into absolutly no sleep that night, decided it would be better to just stay up than to sleep any b/c i had to be at work at the mall by 10am, and i had to take her to her car 1st.... so yeah... it was a long ass night...but oh SO worth every last second... she is truely an amazing woman to me...

Saturday i worked 10-1 then went to maddies b-day (she was turning 9). still yet, up on no sleep since friday morning... after all that came home, and was going to nap before erika came by to get me at 7. As i'm laying down..Dara calls...so of course, i have to talk to her... so no nap! lol just showered and up i was for dinner with erika and gretchen, her sister. Dinner was hillarious, her sister is so funny! it was so funy watching the two of them just talk back and forth. It was good, didnt get home til kinda lateish, i was so tired..so we watched her margaret cho dvd, and i feel aslep during the show...afterwards we went to bed...and yet again... NO sleeping lol... i think we finally stopped talking at like 6am... we talk, and talk, and talk..about anything and everything, i feel like i know her so well already... its a strange feeling... finally some sleep. but then Julia (her ex/best freind) called at like 11ish and woke us up, so we got up, and went to breakfast at the infamous crossing of paths for us at the snow city cafe, it was great... :) came back again, and watched a movie...shes now off to go see her fmaily, her mom just got back into town last night...shes comming back for the L word though :) gotta watch it together! She said i had to make sure she left tonihgt by 10:30 lol its somehow MY responsibility to make sure she goes home! lol she has to be up for work even earlier than i do!! lol

So yeah...its been a great weekend... i'm feeling all giddy, and silly... i love it...

so yeah, officially shes my g/f now... lol kinda funny how quickly that worked out...we were in bed on friday night, and we just finished the conversation about how neither of us are big daters, seeing more than the one person we are focused on at a time... so i wa slike "so b/c neither of us casually dates, and well we've now had sex, a pretty difninive step towards not dating..lol... can i call you my g/f..." so yeah...she is :) hehehe...

Friday we are going to go to veronica's b-day party together :) im just so happy...she is just so different than anyone ive been with in a long time...shes so affectinate, so open...

its so funny, i already feel like i want to tell her that i love her...but i SO know thats not the right thing at all!! its like my body wants one thing, my brain is telling me something completley different... maybe this is what they mean when you talk to ppl who have been together for a long time, that it was love at first meeting... it really was that you knew it was someone you wanted to be with long term... i can SO feel that for her... i do... i want to be with erika...i really do belive that...its not just some passing, short term feeling i have about her...

i dont know :) hehehe

12:59pm: oh my gosh...
So its amazing what a few days of clarity will do for a person...

So...hm...i've meet someone...I KNOW...too soon...but let me tell you, with her, i so don't even care...i'm willing to take that risk... she wrote to me off of planet out... figured i meet courtney there, can't be all that bad right?! So yeah... here is her link to her profile (i know you were going to try to figure out who she was anyway, figured i would make it easy on you...http://www.planetout.com/personals/profile/view.html?sernum=490098&skip=0

So yeah...thats Erika :) ahhh :) i feel like i'm 12 again, its so bizarre, i havent felt this is a long time about anyone! i certainly did NOT feel this with dee, and i'm pretty sure the last time i had these butterfly, anxious, nervousness feeling was with courtney! jesus! i forgot what it felt like! its amazingly wonderful... well we talked a long time on tuesday night, via comp, then phone, then wed again on the phone, the wozers...last night..we met...we went to the bears tooth for dinner/movie, we saw kinsey, probably not the best movie...i think the sexual tension was running pretty high! but the movie was fabulous! afterards it was still way early, so we decided to go to brig's house so she could meet her, and hang out with the kids...we went there, and watche the aprentice sorta, and then ER... serioulsy... i feel so silly.... we held hands LOL, ah i just, i cant even describe the mood that i am in, there is litterally nothing that anyone wcould say or right now that would bother me!

Brig LOVES erika, thinks shes great, she said that she was suprised, b/c she can totlaly see her and i being together for a long time, that THIS is the woman i'm suposed to be with right now, i was shocked...i never expected to hear that comming from her mouth... but its refreshing...

its like i dont want to read too much into things, and i dont want to ya know get my hopes up...but damn... its too late i think...i'm trying to be so careful, i dont want to rush into anything, but i can already feel that it will be...and you know what...its good! i like it! i dont care...

She is sexy, dynamic, smart, passionate about life and issues, romantic, i can talk to her really easily, her and i are so alike it is scarry... shes only 10 days older than i am, so we are both scorpios...

She is suposed to be the DD tongiht for her friends bachelorette party, she wants me to come out with them, im nervous about that, but hell yeah i'm so going to go see her! and you know what...all my elation, and giddyness, and nervousnees, and sillyness, it is all reciprocated... shes very open with me about what shes feeling...which is so nice to have that there... *sigh* just happy... =) i mean REALLY happy...

hehehehe

10:21pm:
The Goddess of Fire and Happiness. You are a ball
of energy. Always compassionate and full of
life, you can make anyone feel happy and you
are exceptionally uplifting. You are an
individual beauty.


Which gorgeous goddess are you? For girls! (breath taking pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla


see if this works....